pretending to be grown-up

When I was younger, I used to think that I would reach some magical age and I would all of a sudden become an adult. Like I would wake up one day, and someone would shake my hand and say "Congratulations! You're officially a grown-up. Here's the secret handbook to figuring out life. Need to know how to spread out that pathetically small paycheck over all your bills? Check out Chapter 3. Oh, you got into a car accident? Look through Chapter 6: Dealing with Insurance companies. Whoops, it's that time again to do your taxes. Never fear--just read Chapter 10!" Well, guess what? I still haven't received my copy of the handbook. It must have gotten lost in the mail.

In the meantime, I'm trying to muddle through. I manage to get my bills paid on time. Ok, I'm usually scrambling the day before they're due, searching through the clutter on my dining room table to find my checkbook, an envelope, and a stamp, but I get them mailed out. I show up to work on time...mostly. So there was that one time when my alarm didn't go off and I showed up an hour and a half late. I keep my fridge stocked with food and I do a weekly cleanup of my apartment. (Ok, maybe I've missed the last few weeks.) Fine, I'll admit it, I don't have my life totally together, but cut me some slack. I'm not perfect! Except, here's the thing. Everywhere I look, it seems like everyone IS perfect. No one else seems to be struggling. I mean, come on! What's the deal? Please, let me in on the secret. Because right now I'm not feeling like a respectable, responsible grown-up. Right now I feel like a little kid wearing her mom's dress and high heels, teetering around the family room, pretending to know what I'm doing. And any second, someone's going to come into the room and laugh while they say, "Are you kidding me? You? A grown-up?! Yeah, right! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"

Yes, yes, I know, this is ridiculously melodramatic of me. In the grand scheme of things, I'm doing ok. Hey, I was feeling fine earlier this weekend. What can I say? For some unfathomable reason, this morose outlook on my life usually crops up around this time on a Sunday night, when I'm faced with waking up early Monday morning to start a whole new week of work and responsibility. Strange....

Oh well. On the brightside, maybe that handbook will finally come in the mail tomorrow...